Moving Forward Imperfectly
It's not like there's any way I can move other than imperfectly
EDA In the Solution
READING 1
As paraphrased from “Gisele’s Story of Hope” EDA BB pp. 51-68
“When we started EDA, we discovered it was going to be about finding balance and perspective, not abstinence, in the midst of life…The big things that need and deserve attention include: finding the positive, focusing on gratitude, and having respect for what may be going right with us, the people in our lives-and let’s go even bigger-the world (because it does not revolve around me!) That is something I had to learn along the way. If I focus my attention on the negative, that is what I’m going to get. If I focus my attention on the positive, I can find power to do things that matter. Gratitude is an action word: I have to act on it! If I am focusing on the positive, I am going to get more gratitude, more power, and more joy. “
Reading 2
from EDA BB p. 63-64 “Some ideas that help me find balance and perspective, and maintain my recovery:
· Do first things first.
· Do one thing at a time.
· Be true to yourself, be honest, and be kind.
· Be at peace
· Forget about counting days and years of recovery
· Do what is in front of you. Keep it simple!
· Lighten up-don’t take life so seriously!
· Do the work.
· Focus on the positive and seek balance in everything.
· Keep taking stock of where you are and respond accordingly.
· Stay accountable for your thoughts and actions.
· Find gratitude for what you have.
· Get into service: it is an important aspect of balance!”
Prompt
EDA BB pg.175 “We now realize that our character, integrity, and purpose matter far more to our day to day happiness- and our relationships with others- than any achievement we could have imagined”
Sometimes I think my character is okay, mostly when I compare myself to those who have a destructive character. I have often half-joked that at least I’m not a serial killer so I can’t be that bad. But a lot of the time, I feel like I’m a huge failure. I’m deep in debt and have problems with compulsive spending. While these problems have improved, they are still there. It sometimes feels like I’ve dug myself into a hole I’ll never be able to get out of.
I didn’t even realize how much of a problem I had until my mother passed away last year. She had serious problems with compulsive shopping. She managed to keep herself out of debt. At this point my son, his dad, my brother and I are working (slowly) to clear out my parents’ house for sale with the help of my mother’s friend and neighbor. The house is going under contract to a single mom with two kids. I feel good that it will belong to someone who can truly benefit from it rather than a construction company who would just tear it down and build a cookie cutter duplex where they would charge obscene amounts of rent.
I think I am grieving the loss of the house along with the loss of my parents. Although I haven’t lived in the house in decades, it was a place I returned to often to visit first both of my parents, then, after my father died, to visit my mother.
I had a complicated relationship with my parents. It isn’t like everything was wonderful. They didn’t understand me. They had a script they wanted everyone to follow, and I didn’t follow it. My brother didn’t follow his script either, but he was successful in their eyes. I was a hot mess loser that they wished they could fix, but they couldn’t.
I often feel like I keep talking about the same things. I find myself thinking, “Who the hell cares about my crap?” I feel self-indulgent. I try to do the right thing, but there’s a part of me that believes there’s no way someone as flawed as me can ever win.
Examining these issues has helped me, but I’m nowhere near where I need to be. I must keep examining them if I’m ever going to start healing wounds that have been festering beneath the surface of my psyche since childhood. I can’t solve what I can’t see. The ugly truth needs to be revealed.
Prompt 2
EDA BB pg.109 “In summary, though we may have differing ways of faith, there are two things we absolutely agree on. Life with an active Eating Disorder is no life at all, and the Twelve Steps show a way out that is so powerful we need never return to the dark days. “
I participate in writing sprints. Although I like to support my fellow writers whenever possible, while I was on one of these streams, a fellow writer posted that she was starting a sprint stream. Then she said she also posted about her “weight loss journey” including weigh-ins to keep her “accountable.” I asked if she did the weigh-ins during her writing streams, explaining that as someone with an eating disorder, I find diet talk and weigh-ins triggering. I didn’t moralize my position, keeping my intent focused on me rather than on her.
These days encountering diet talk isn’t as likely to throw me into immediate self-loathing or push me into binging or restriction. However, too much of it over time will certainly have that effect, so I try to avoid situations where there will be diet and weight loss talk whenever possible.
Like most women, I used to find discussions of diet and weight loss “relatable.” It saddens me that these are the topics women bond over rather than discussing, well, pretty much anything else.
READING 3
paraphrased from the EDA Big Book pp. 67-68
“My life today is by no means a perfect picture, but it does not have to be. ..I was able to find gratitude that I could just do the necessary next steps to get things going…I have to remember that I can’t do it alone. It takes an adult perspective to have humility and admit we need help. It is important to remember we are examples to others in our lives…Now that I am more focused on the positives, I hope that example will carry over! All I can do right now is what is right here in front of me. I am grateful for the peace and freedom that comes from focusing on doing the next right thing, one thing at a time…when I use the tools –the Steps—I can be at peace. I have worth today, and my life has meaning, because it isn’t all about me anymore. Don’t worry about doing things the right or wrong way; just do the next right thing and trust that more will be revealed as you move forward. Don’t wait for the “perfect” time. There is none! But you can make the perfect time: that time is right now.
My Closing Thoughts
I remain a renegade. I still only work the steps sporadically through writing meetings and I still don’t have a sponsor. I rather doubt I will ever have a sponsor and I am certain I will never be a sponsor. Not everyone is cracked up to do service this way.
Resources
Ornery Owl Has Spoken
